i was on a break + tips on taking care of you

I took a little unannounced, unofficial break from blogging for two months. Sorry 'bout that, y'all. Between work (three jobs for a bit!), the holidays, travel, family stuff, and just life in general, I was feeling a bit run down. I didn't have any extra energy or time to write. I tried to keep up a bit on Instagram, but...I was just tired, y'all.

Generally speaking, I keep my feelings pretty close to the vest. However, the last few months have been up and down AF. In addition to keeping busy with work, I've REALLY been missing my family. We've been hit really hard with a lot of loss this year and, with the move, it's been even harder to make the transition. I was (and still kind of am) a hot mess.

if you authored this, let me know - I want to credit you and hug you

So here's my truth: I've got PTSD and anxiety and occasion bouts of depression. I'm lucky (1) because I can afford healthcare when I need it (2) it's manageable enough that I don't require medication. I switch back and forth from not wanting to do anything to staying so busy that I can't (won't) think about my grief. I keep those things so tightly bound that to the outside world, I'm fine. But let me tell you what I know about fine: it's an acronym for fucked-up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. And let me tell you another thing - this year has made me all of that in varying degrees.

I've recently learned to become a proponent of self care. Honestly, I hate that word. It sounds like, well...something else *wink, wink*. I prefer "taking care of you" or TCoY, which sounds like some pop group. However, it's a legit thing. I realize that TCoY has nothing to do with the whole theme of this blog, but...I've struggled with this and, if I've struggled, I imagine many of you have, too. Here are a few recommendations I've had to help me get through the crap days and come out on top:

taking care of you: a personal perspective

all of these opinions are purely my own based on things that have worked for me - they're not to be taken as medical advice

put down the booze

Kind of hard for a booze blogger, right? I'm not saying don't drink. I'm just saying don't reach for it on the down days. Clinically speaking, alcohol is a depressant - which explains why so many people use it to numb trauma and mental illness. However, overuse leads to abuse. If you want to drink, I recommend one or two (with meals). Don't reach for it as "medicine."

get moving

I hate exercising. It's literally my least favorite part of my day. However, I usually feel better after I've gotten up and moved around a bit. It's going to be harder to go on walks now that winter has arrived, but a quick run isn't only physically invigorating, it helps to stimulate endorphins and other "feel good" hormones.

don't bottle it up

When we first moved to Pittsburgh, I tried to deal with everything on my own: the loss of my stepdad, the transition of my career, my dad's illness, being away from my family, not really knowing anyone. I felt really lost. It wasn't until the Man Friend mentioned that I didn't seem like myself that encouraged me to go talk to someone. I was very clear that medications weren't my first priority but, honestly, I had been through a lot of shit in a super short period of time - I needed some coping skills to help me readjust. And you know what? It helped. It hurt. It felt good. All at the same time. Don't bottle it up - things that get stored up can still rot away (emotions included).

do what you enjoy

I've put away a lot of books this year (I've already met my book-a-week goal and I'm halfway through my last classic). I've made a ton of new recipes. I've traveled. I've taken pretty pictures. I've enjoyed a lot of good coffee and laughter and puppy snuggles.

just...try

My best friend Sara is going through her own grief process. One of the best sayings she's shared with me is "When one door closes, another one opens...but sometimes, that hallway [to get to it] is a bitch." Sometimes all you can do is put your feel on the floor and take a step. Sometimes you don't want to socialize or be nice or get dressed...but just try. Often times, the monotony of every day life makes you feel a little better.

just do it

Feel what you feel - if it's laughter, tears, screaming, sleeping, panic, rage. Just feel it in a healthy way. Surround yourself with people who realize that this whole process is a shit storm and will walk beside you through it. Take enough time to do what you need to do to heal...just don't get so lost in it that you can't get out. Remember to take pleasure in the little things, like kids laughing, silly cat videos, or funny movies. Laughter really is the best medicine.

I know this isn't much, but we're all going through our own shit. I'll close with the video below. You may not be "in the closet" in an LGBTQ sense...but we've all experienced hard. We've all had to do something or felt something that has sucked. And it's just a matter of pulling through, finding your tribe to support you, and moving forward.

Thanks for letting me take a little time to decompress.

Much love, Amanda